There are tons of things I don’t know, but most I could learn if I wanted to. I mean, there’s not enough time in my life to learn everything, but I could learn what I want. Usually. Am I making sense? The point I’m trying to make, is I’m going to start a series about stupid things my brain can’t make sense of, that it should, but it just doesn’t.

A new series you say? How can you start a “new” series if you haven’t even written in nine months? Well, because it’s my blog and I do what I want.

This particular entry is about compliments. I have zero ability to comprehend compliments. I become so confused when someone gives a compliment, that my brain just sort of momentarily shuts off and has to reboot. I even sometimes have a fraction-of-a-second blackout.

Does that seem extreme? Probably. But I’m not exaggerating. There’s some disconnect between my brain and a lot of normal social behavior. So to cope, I collect cats, but that’s another story.

Back to compliments. It freaks me the fuck out that someone stops what they’re doing just to bring attention to someone about something they already know. That, to me, is what a compliment is… And that’s some form of insanity from where I stand. Chances are, the person’s hair, clothes, accessories, shoes, or whatever that you’re complimenting is something they chose because they already like it… And if they don’t like whatever you’re complimenting, you’re just going to annoy them. At least, it would annoy me to be reminded of something I dislike.

To me, (I will be using this phrase a lot to point out that I’m well aware I’m probably an idiot for my thoughts on this) someone that gives a compliment is after something… and I usually don’t know what, which makes me suspicious of said person. I don’t mean ‘after something’ in a bad way. It could be something good or bad, but it has to be something.

Compliments aren’t natural. I know this because I’ve read manual-like books or articles listing it as a rule in etiquette many many times over my life. If it were natural, it wouldn’t be written all over the place as a reminder. Maybe it becomes habitual, but that’s different from natural.

Psychological? In many situations I can see compliments being used to manipulate someone’s perception of you. A compliment is some form of saying ‘Hey look, I’m a nice person.’ I can understand those scenarios. Maybe you are a nice person, but if you compliment me, I’m going to be asking myself why you’re trying to tell me that. Are you trying to get laid? Is it a power grab? Do you need a character witness? Is it even me you’re trying to announce your niceness to? WHAT?!

So while I can somewhat understand a psychological level of it, that doesn’t explain the drive-by compliments. The ones where some stranger comes up to you that you will possibly never see again and dishes out a compliment. You say ‘Thanks,’ and then off you go to live your life. Or am I getting that part wrong? Am I supposed to do something different? These ones are the second most confusing to me. This person has gone too far out of their way, and I don’t know what to make of it. They make me feel like I’m being watched, or that I apparently don’t put enough thought into things normal people care about… but in all fairness, it’s because I’m busy over-thinking things like this.

Shoe-watchers get a category of their own. I don’t understand why people care so much about shoes (and purses for that matter) or why they’re staring at everyone’s feet. Don’t get me wrong, I like cute shoes, but I don’t give a crap about what shoes you’re wearing… so why do you care about mine?

At this point you probably just think I’m whining. You’re yelling ‘Just take the damned compliment!’ at the screen, aren’t you? I’m not ungrateful. I promise. I always say ‘Thank you,’ and maybe (secretly) I’ll like whatever you complimented a little more than I did this morning… but I still don’t understand why you did it in the first place.

Especially compliments on natural physical traits. These are the compliments that give me the little blackouts. The sarcastic comments run rampant through my head at these, because, why? WHY?! Saying thank you to these feels like taking credit for something there was zero say in. Should I break out the family-tree photo album so we can discuss what combination of genes resulted in said trait? Honestly, these compliments make me start thinking about what I would have looked like from a different egg, sperm, or great great grandfather… and I have completely forgotten that you exist while I’m flashing to every biology book I’ve ever flipped through in my lifetime. Back to the compliment? Uh, thank you for making me consider plastic surgery a little less?

I like talking about things I find interesting to people. Pointing out my belief they made a good choice in shirts that morning is not interesting to me. Pointing out this really unique shirt I saw on some girl at the store is more interesting. See where I’m going? It’s not that I don’t notice things that might result in a compliment by a normal person… Just that I see no reason to tell someone the sky is blue, unless they’re unaware of the fact…

Because I don’t understand the purpose of compliments, I rarely give them… but it does happen on occasion. Usually I’m just commenting on something interesting I notice about the person that I don’t think they necessarily see, and if they happen to like what I said, that makes it a compliment. The world is funny like that. The exception to this all is my daughter… I will compliment her all day long to see her smile, but I don’t know if I can even call it an exception, because I find almost everything about her fascinating.

Is that it? Do people give compliments because they find things interesting and don’t think the person is aware? Did I just solve the mystery? I think I’ll have to ponder this a bit more before I make a bigger mess of things.