The Crazy Things People Do For Parking

I went to the grocery store today and as I was walking to my vehicle with Monktopus (my one year old daughter) and my bags, a vehicle behind me slows down when I open my trunk. They then begin to wait for my parking spot. Now, this does not bother me, whatsoever. You are welcome to my space when I’m done. But even before I had a child, I had the common sense to know that people with babies take a while to leave, and I am not an exception. I am not going to haphazardly fling my purchased items into my car, chuck my kid in, and haul ass for you. I will place items so they will not get broken or roll around, and I will make sure my child is securely and correctly situated in her complicated pain-in-the-ass car seat. And after a minute or two, if you floor the gas and speed off in a huff, I’m not going to care, because if you had just gone into the spot 5 spaces further, you would have long since been in the store already. 

The amount of time people spend circling for a closer spot is ridiculous. I pick the aisle I want, and then I take the first spot I see, which is often in the back. I think the only rule I have is that I don’t park next to the shopping cart drop offs because, I know I’ve just aimed and shoved my cart in them from a distance, and I don’t trust other people’s accuracy.

But, if you do wait for my spot, and do not allow me enough space to back out, I will pull back into my space and wait for you to either back up or move on. I’m not going to risk hitting someone because you’re too lazy to walk an extra 20 feet.

Then there are the shitty parkers. I don’t know if it’s just them being an asshole or if they got their driver’s license on sheer luck, but something needs to be done about shitty parking jobs. These include, but are not limited to:

• Parking over the line and taking up two spaces
  • Having a new car does not entitle you to this, nor does being lazy and not fixing your parking job, NOR does wanting to park next to someone who does this forcing you to do so as well.
• Pulling too far forward into another parking space
  • Honorable mention to anyone with a tiny car that parks so far forward that they’re in the space but said spot appears empty to anyone driving down the aisle until they’re about to pull in… not an dick move, but annoying.
• Not pulling far enough and having your ass hang out
• Parking at some odd, crooked angle so as your tires are within the lines, but the body of your car hangs over another spot
  • This is an especially dick move if there’s someone already in the spot and they now cannot get out without risking hitting you.
• Parking horizontally across vertical parking lines
• Parking so close to another vehicle’s driver side that it’s impossible for them to open their door and get in their car

That last one gets me so angry I can’t see straight. I wish my door’s edge had some sort of protector so I could just ram it into the side of their vehicle while I squeeze my ass into the driver’s seat (and I’m far from large)… God help the person who makes me crawl through the passenger side while holding a baby to put her in her car seat, because I’m not sure what I’d do, but I’d sure as hell do something… maybe dig out some diaper-rash cream and smear it under their handles or all over their windshield (because that shit’s a bitch to get off when you have proper cleaning products!). Better yet, I’ll use the tube to write out that they park like an asshole with it on their windshield, so when they use their wipers, they smear it themselves.

Am I missing any? I’m not going to get into handicap or stork parking because there are too many technicalities behind them… but I’m just talking run of the mill, parking-lot asshats.

I’m not sure what makes a bigger asshole when it comes to parking… someone that notices they did a shitty job and chooses not to fix it, or someone that’s so self important they couldn’t possibly notice/care/think that their parking isn’t acceptable.